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anonymoose546's Blog


I have other problems.

So I started this blog in regards to my DUI.  However while it's still a factor in my life (I see my PO every other month until August and can't drink for that period of time, plus I have the blowy thing in my car, but other than that I'm not feeling it like I was 3, 6, 12 or 18 months ago).  The gravity of this just kind of hit me, and I wanted to write it out.

I have other problems.  This is the best revelation I've had in awhile.  Problems unrelated to this charge.  Problems not stemming from it.  Problems with people and circumstances that are completely unrelated to alcohol or this DUI.  I havnormal problems.  If there's a silver lining to these new and significant issues. it's that I have reached a certain point of equilibrium, and that I am getting through this DUI, because it is no longer the primary focus for me.

It's weird, because in the moment you never really try to comprehend what's happening, you're just getting through it.  In that same vein now that I have gotten through it for the most part it means I have to acknowledge how fast that pain fades.  It goes away quickly and you feel great.  Same thing happened after my first one, and I told myself things were different.  The license gets reinstated, the breathalyzer gets taken off and you are a normal person again.  The pain fades fast.  Something to think about at least.

One More Off The List

So this week  I finished my final alcohol class.  If you see the dates all this stuff happened, this was a major thing.  The "track" I had to finish consisted of 12 alcohol education classes, and 43 (that's 43) alcohol therapy courses.  Each of these classes was 2 hours long, cost $25, and could only be done once a week.  So the first class I went to was September...9th of 2011.  

That said, they were worth it just because I met so many awesome people, the socialization with people going through the same thing made things much easier.  That said I was so happy to delete the recurring appointment off my phone for this class.  

Only thing left is probation (and the interlock device on my car, but that's 1.83 years away, so I'm not counting...)  My next appointment with is in December, hoping for some sign that they'll let me off early since I've finished everything and paid everything as soon as I was able.  We shall see, otherwise I'm on probation (and monitored sobriety, ie; UA's) until August of next year.

One Full Year

Since conviction, 503 days since the actual incident.  I take the driving test in two weeks to get my (restricted) license back.  So happy to finally have the opportunity to drive again.  I still have 11 weeks of therapy left, and my probation is supposed to go for another year, but from everyone else I've seen in my county, they'll let me off early once my classes are done, assuming nothing else goes awry between now and then.

I still freak out over things, I'm still doing UA's and they still stress me out, but when I compare my life these days to where I was a year ago, it's hard to be too upset.  I've got a job, I'm doing well in school, and I've maintained most everything that I thought was lost when this first happened.  It's always going to be on my record, but I think I made the best of a bad situation, which is all one can really hope to do when faced with such a scenario.

The fact that I'm starting to see the end of this is huge, though I'll be reminded about it for the next 2 years while I drive around my car with the interlock on it.  Already saving for my "DUI graduation" present to replace it when I finally get the interlock removed.  Either way it'll be great to not be dependent on people or public transportation for rides.  

Not sure how many people have read these things, but I must say how helpful it is to vent all this.  Thanks to all who've given support and just listened.  If anyone has any questions feel free to shoot me a message, I'll still be around as I finish stuff up, and I know how traumatic everything can be.  Take care all!

It really does

Get better that is....I'm still without a car, but my community service is done, I've been downgraded to low-risk probation and all that's left is to finish my alcohol therapy classes (which admittedly do go through the end of this year :( ) and get my car back in August.  

The further I get from the event the more I think it had to happen for me.  I was out of control at that time and was living what I thought was "the life."  I've since been humbled, and while there's still a long ways to go, it's somewhat freeing to have the opportunity to lose everything and accept life.  I'm more free now than I was a week before this DUI.  Yeah, I've got some not so fun consequences, but my life is still in tact.  I'm back in school and as of a few weeks ago I found a better job opportunity and gave notice at my current company.  I've got an amazing friends/family, and a girlfriend who loves me and supports me through it all.  

I'll never say never again, but I feel as though I can finally see what was wrong with my former path and why a slap in the face was exactly what I needed to make me realize where I needed to be.

One day at a time, as stressful as it is it sure goes by quickly...

Last Major Step

Got an unwanted piece of jewelry installed on Friday.  Nice little (actually it's massive) ankle bracelet, with flashing lights.  It digs into my ankle too.  It gets removed on Thursday, I've been able to do pretty much everything I would normally do with it on.  The only thing it's stopped me from doing is going to the gym after work.  Did my community service and tomorrow I go to my alcohol class.

When this all first happened I was fretting so much over not having my car for a year.  That was a serious concern.  Now though...After jail and this, I feel lucky to have the amount of freedom I do have.  Just going to the grocery store seems like a privilege.  I can't imagine how it feels for people who're subjected to this for long periods...My total sentence was 16 days split between jail and in home detention.  All I can say at this point is that I'm blessed, and anyone who's going through this should know that the punishment is not that bad.  What you're experiencing leading up to it is 10x worse, the uncertainty and the fear, that's the hard part.  Jail isn't hard, the classes aren't hard, in the moment nothing is really that hard.  It's the mountain I built that ended up being my real punishment.

That's not to say it's going to be easy, but I'm over the hump.  It's been six months and three days since my arrest, and 1.5 months since my conviction.  Three months from now I'll have all my community service done, and one year from now I'll be done with all my alcohol classes (that's all my probation requirements) and I'll have my car back.  I'm hoping they'll let me off at that point, but we'll see, it was supposed to be two years probation, but my lawyer says once you're done with all the base requirements and you haven't had any other issues (failed tests/other incidents) they have no reason to keep you on.

Anyways that's my update, for anyone out there, seriously, it gets better...

My Staycation

Done with jail.  Actually got out on Thursday morning, been trying to get all my stuff together since then.  Was supposed to be in for 10 days, but they reduced it to 7.  I would later discover this was a miraculous sentence and the judge must've been in a great mood that day.  The conditions weren't that bad, I was housed where there were no cell doors, TV's, games and a good amount of privacy if you wanted it.  It was the minimum security area, and it just felt like a cross between a barracks and a daycare.  There was always an officer present and we had quite a bit of freedom to move around.  That said, the food was some of the most disgusting stuff that I've ever been forced to ingest.  I seriously considered going on a six day fast after eating the first day.  Fortunately I made some friends

My mind went berserk while I was there, that was the real punishment.  In that sense it was good.  It gave me plenty of incentive to make sure I never go back.  There were several people in there with my sentence for a second DUI, but there were a few (with less severe circumstances, lower BAC, etc) who got sentenced to 60-90 days simply due to the judge that day.  It could've been much, much worse for me.  That said it gave me a lot of good perspective getting to know the people who were in there and helped me reconcile myself to the actual severity of my sentence (I'm going through a bunch of minor inconveniences and some social, that's all.  Relatively my life is heaven compared to others who didn't get my luck.)  Basically I came out of there feeling so incredibly blessed that my life exists as it does right now, even if it isn't 100% how I want it.  I have a lot to be thankful for, and I have a lot to be motivated by. 

So that's done.  I'm still stressed over my probation and drug tests and all this stuff, but everything seems more manageable now.  I start my six days of in-home detention on October 7th, after that it's all classes, community service and random tests.  Also have a MADD victim impact panel I'm going to try and make on October 3rd.  I'm hoping if my probation officers sees I have my stuff together she may be more likely to let me off probation after I get all my requirements filled and not make me do the full two years.  I really just can't wait to get to the end of the year, get back into school, and have some type of routine back. 

But at least that's done, I'm not going back...

So. Much. Stress..

Had a UA today, and afterwards was told I might fail it due to eating a pint of ice cream last night that may have had enough vanilla extract to trigger the test (which looks for an alcohol metabolite and not the alcohol itself).  This has to be bogus...Right?  So many things to think about, and now I have to wait until September 23rd to find out.  The internet (known to be a flawless and indisputable source of information) seems to indicate this would only be a problem if I was consuming large amounts of it, like pure extract in coffee.  I mean vanilla ice cream should not land me in jail...I hope...

This does have me going into jail with some great stuff to think about....Tomorrow is the day, my lawyer said to expect 5-10 days.  Hoping for the shorter end of that.  Will definitely update as things progress.  Any thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.  Thank you all again for all the support.

Ashes...ashes...

...we all fall down.

License was gone as of yesterday.  Took the bus today and had to meet with my PO for the first time today.  Perfect combination of experiences to get me in a great mood.  It's going to be a long year...  I was told my numbers speak for me and that she dealt with people like me every day.  I made an off hand comment about my offense occuring on private property, at which point she thought I was shrugging it off and informed me she fully expected me to need treatment in addition to what the judge sentenced, and that she had full authority to mandate it.  Worst I've felt since this happened, feels like I'm looking for my humanity. 

Anyways enough of the emo rant....Things will be fine, just have to get into a routine.  For now I'm assigned random UA's approximately once/week.  Another $80/month and another place to be.  The alternative was an ankle bracelet for the next 6 months then switching to UA's, so I suppose it could be worse...  It's all on the table now, unless it's not...Really all I can do is do what I can do to show them I'm serious about fixing this and take every day at a time. 

Still Up

Hating myself for what I've done.  For everyone I've isolated, for every client who'll hold this against me, for ever women who'll determine I'm not worth a shot, for every employer who thinks I have no work ethic, for every family member who wants to believe I'm past help.....I understand....I understand why you think that.   I can't argue it.   Because hey, I've got two serious offenses against me, and why wouldn't you hold these against me.  What CAN I say for the future?  What can I tell people?  Other than I was young and dumb?   I wish I had a good answer.  I wish I could explain that a DWAI was not justified by the circumstances that were reported....But any attempt will result in me trying to justify the unjustifyiable.....

I Should've Known

Verdict is in, I couldn't get it done in one shot.  Worst I saw today for a first here (and this county was tough) was home monitoring, which allows for work release), that includes a girl who had an underage .34.  I got my sentence, which is 10 consecutive days in jail and 10 days in-home detention with an ankle monitor.  Could've been much worse.  My charge occured on a private road (in an apartment complex parking lot) the people with second offenses that were deemed more serious were getting 30-60 consecutive days in jail with no choice on when to serve them (they were getting dragged away in cuffs).  I got lucky.  That plus 48 hours community service, a MADD victim impact panel and two years of probation.  Plus a ridiculous amount of alcohol education/therapy courses (56 I think?)....It could've been much worse.

Just glad to know what I'm facing, no more doubt.

This Is It...

I never, ever thought I'd be looking jail in the face.  Here we are and 24 hours from now that's where I'll be.  The minutes just can't go fast enough right now.  I'm all set and everything is laid out for every possible scenario.  I'm pretty medded up at this point.  My doctor had no problems steadily increasing the anti-anxiety meds that I'll be on through the next month or so.  Seems a bit better with them, but as soon as I'm done with jail I'm tapering off as I don't like the overall affect on me, too zombie-like.  After this it's simply settling into life without a car and life with a few more obligations.  Ah well, going to listen to some music and head off to bed, tomorrow a new chapter begins...

State Change

These states of mind used to last at least a day and didn't have much pull on me, just kind of a cloud:

State 1:  Depression - Potential job woes and the fact that I'm going to jail, long term repercussions of interlocks and alcohol classes.  My inability to have much of a social life for awhile past my current circle.  The Stigma.

State 2:  Complete and utter apathy:  I really don't care.  Like, I REALLY don't care.  Whatever happens tomorrow, I'll deal with it.  I really don't care if I lose my job, something will work out.  I've got support from family and friends and everything I'm freaking out about has to do with materialistic and status symbol seeking garbage.  Things could be much worse and this is just a process I have to deal with on a daily basis for awhile.

State 3:  Neurosis:  Chaos and panic for no particular reason.  Or usually me taking a small issue and extrapolating the smallest detail into my complete mortal demise.  These are the fun ones that usually result in me being completely paralyzed mentally for a bit.  I've gotten better at snapping out of them as soon as I seem myself doing it, but identifying the process is the tough part.

Tomorrow is my sentencing and I'm going to jail or work release with about a 95% certainty.  The 5% is if the judge is feeling incredibly good and gives me house arrest for awhile, but that's unlikely.  So today my friend just took off and I'm here by myself packing up a bag I hope I get to use, wrapping up loose ends (bills, etc) and getting contemplative in what feels like the last few pages of a drawn out chapter that never should've been written. 

If there are no updates to this blog for awhile it means they sent me to jail with no work release for some amount of time.  If I get work release I'll be able to post updates from work.  I'll keep everyone apprised and I want to thank everyone on here who's had kind words.  Stay strong.  I'm thinking this thing exists on a Gaussian curve, at least based on my first one, and this one thus far it does.  The peak exists right before the judge issues the sentence.  After that it just gets progressively easier, as hard as that is to believe at times....

Wooooo(rk) Release

Or at least I hope.

I visited the work release area of the local jail today to do a pre-authorization app (the sheriff has to approve it as well as the judge here, and this gets out of the way the sheriff approval, which they only shoot down if I'm a flight risk or have a violent history).

So the place isn't the Ritz, but it's nice, I'd get my own little locker, and there's a normal restroom and a community area.  I'd get to wear my own clothes in there and best of all I'd be going to work the whole time, and right now my job is chaotic and they're going to be struggling without me.  Really, really hoping this work release works out.  The DA didn't object to it, so as long as the judge isn't a jerk we should be good.  I'm betting they're going to approve it as well, and I stayed enrolled in my one online class, I have a friend set to drop me if they don't approve it, but I bought the books....

There's No Calm Before The Storm

This is as dark as it's gotten for me.  If anything it is the storm.  One week from now I'll likely be in jail, or if things go quickly, at work.  I'm not even dreading jail itself, I'm dreading what occurs outside jail if by some chance they don't give me work release.  Because that would hurt.  I'm still holding onto hope that they will, because work release is $45 a day, and I'm a perfect candidate, seems like they wouldn't pass up that money.  Either way everything is getting real.  Just have to make it through the next month and then I can settle into some kind of normalcy.

Well Then...

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This is It

I can't give more than than this.  Let me go.

What?

How do I get outside my head?  I succumbed to the whims of friends.  Thinking as long as I didn't drive I'd be ok.  So I had a few with the neighbors and walked back  between complexes.  Nonetheless I'm sitting here after three drinks wondering what this means for me.  I still postulate on the possibility of being bipolar and wondering what "fixed" means. Two DUI's and I still vary from wanting to fix everything to not giving a care.   First time I've said that.  Not the first time I've believed it.  My life has been a sine wave for the last ten years, the extremes have been just that.  Everyone who knows me has seen it.  They've seen the extreme love, they've seen the intense depression.  Tempted to go to meds, tempted to give myself up to whatever "normal" is at this point.

Minor Concerns

Relatively at least.  Women should be the least of my concern at this point.  Should be focusing on fixing myself, educating myself and contributing.  Basically improving myself as a person and just getting through the tough times.....

...but I'm a twenty six year old male and this type of thing comes to mind.  Ran into an ex of mine today, I couldn't bring myself to tell her of the second DUI (she knew about the first), she displayed some serious interest, which would definitely be reciprocated if I thought she (or any other self-respecting woman really) would associate romantically with me at this point.  Just need to accept it and be happy of the fact that I've got plenty of time to find someone.  Guess I've got classes, jail and community service to distract me for a bit heh.

#2 - B Flat Minor Op. 35 1. Grave - Doppio Movimento

Knowing this is the eye of the storm makes things better and worse.  The thought of jail still scares me, even if I get to leave for work.  But I can't say I'm not going to learn from it.  I will, I'll learn from the time in there, the people and from what I lose by not being present elsewhere. 

I got my first bit of strife last night, a stressful situation with family made more stressful when my brother snapped at me.  It was an attitude I've never felt before, even during the first one.  My family isn't so much angry with me for any inconvenience to them, but the lost potential and where I should've been at this point in my life.  They're more disappointed in me for letting myself get to this. 

Realistically it's only a year.  I can't seem to grasp that as a positive yet.  My boss assured me I'll have a job for a year and won't have a hard time finding another if the company goes down.  I can't find solace there.  I have to fix this, I mean really fix this.  First I have to figure out what that means.

When It Rains It Pours

And apparently bad things come in threes?  Maybe?

1. Awesome relationship ended
2. DUI
3. Numerous hospitilizations in my family

Spent the evening while a family member underwent a risky surgery.  They're ok but the prognosis isn't great and it's going to be a long road ahead.  This scenario alone makes me realize how lucky I am to be alive at all.  In fairly good health with a fairly positive outlook. 

Then follow that up with witnessing a doctor tell a group of family/friends that they're son/frind didn't make it through whatever procedure they were doing....it makes me contemplate how much I could still have to offer in this life, even if the immediate circumstances aren't what I'd like.  Really, being there made me feel incredibly petty over these inconveniences that are being imposed on me.  Yeah, they suck, but in the scheme of things...things are pretty good.

1-20 of 29 Blogs   

Previous Posts
I have other problems., posted January 6th, 2013
One More Off The List, posted November 14th, 2012, 1 comment
One Full Year, posted August 22nd, 2012, 2 comments
It really does, posted February 6th, 2012
Last Major Step, posted October 10th, 2011, 1 comment
My Staycation, posted September 18th, 2011, 1 comment
So. Much. Stress.., posted September 7th, 2011, 1 comment
Ashes...ashes..., posted August 30th, 2011
Still Up, posted August 22nd, 2011, 2 comments
I Should've Known, posted August 22nd, 2011
This Is It..., posted August 21st, 2011
State Change, posted August 21st, 2011
Wooooo(rk) Release, posted August 17th, 2011
There's No Calm Before The Storm, posted August 16th, 2011
Well Then..., posted August 3rd, 2011
This is It, posted July 16th, 2011, 1 comment
What?, posted July 16th, 2011, 1 comment
Minor Concerns, posted July 13th, 2011
#2 - B Flat Minor Op. 35 1. Grave - Doppio Movimento, posted July 12th, 2011
When It Rains It Pours, posted July 11th, 2011
Joyride..., posted July 5th, 2011
If only, posted July 4th, 2011
Step One. Check., posted June 20th, 2011
On The Eve Of An Apocalypse, posted June 19th, 2011
Why Must you Mock Me!, posted June 15th, 2011
It'll Be Okay In The End, posted June 13th, 2011
The Past Is A *****, posted June 4th, 2011
How to be thankful, posted June 3rd, 2011, 1 comment
And Then It Got Real, posted June 1st, 2011
Good Day Bad Day, posted May 23rd, 2011
Cycling Mindsets, posted May 18th, 2011

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